Our youngest daughter was from Changsha, and when we came here nearly 10 years ago, we were greeted by the staff of Changsha #1 orphanage. However, we later found out that she was in fact residing at Changsha #2 orphanage.
But this is another story.
In any event, I wanted to visit MeiMei's finding spot, which is sacred ground for our family. In many ways, 10 years seems to have passed in the blink of an eye. But in many other ways, I have grown and have experienced so much in that time, and have learned so much from reading and from hearing others' experiences. I did not have much time to contemplate our daughter's abandonment when we were on our whirlwind trip to China 10 years ago. Now, with the benefit of experience and careful consideration (and close examination of google maps!), I wanted to return and re-visit MeiMei's finding spot. Before we left on our trip, I had discussed this with our daughter, and we agreed to create a poster to leave at this spot. With her guidance, we printed in Chinese only a few photos and a few facts - that she was a good student, she was happy with her family. MeiMei did not want to leave any contact information. At the end, she only wanted to "let my birthparents know that I am fine, and hope they can be at peace."
With that, Smile carried us on our way to a small town on the outskirts of Changsha.
The post office had changed quite a bit since we were there last:
In 2003
Same facade in 2013
While the facade had not changed that much, the interior was completely changed, and the post office, was now a bank/post-office.
The town we were in was very small, and was quite similar to a town I had lived in for over 3 months while working in China building power plants, nearly 15 years ago. In a town like this, most everybody knows everyone else, and people look very surprised when a westerner walks into the bank, and asks to have a poster put up. However, with a quick call to the bank manager, the smiling bank attendant agreed to put up the poster behind the glass. She asked, "how long would you like me to keep it here?". I chuckled and responded back through Smile Cao, "as long as you can".
Smile Cao had told me that many families on heritage tours do something similar, bringing some poster to place on the ground or nearby to an entrance where their child was reported to have been found. He tells me that usually after a day or two, the poster is removed as a course of regular street cleaning.
He told me that in his 12 year experience, nothing has ever come about (no one coming forward, or no information being discovered) as a result of these poster placements.
We take a look into the local corner store, and I buy a few scrunchies for MeiMei. There's no bartering here. We're too far out in the countryside for that.
I'm sure I baffled a lot of locals as I scurried around taking photos of every angle, and gathering again a rock from the ground ("Please make sure it's a ROCK!" protested JieJie, who was now suspicious and disgusted with anything touching the ground) as I did back in 2003.
I then sat and took a few deep breaths, and found myself at a loss for words, movement, or even thought. My vacuous gaze finally met with Smile, who was waiting patiently by the side of the road. I felt a bit embarrassed, as I recognized that he must have seen my exact same gaze at least 40 times last year, as I stood like a misplaced statue at the side of the road.
I looked at him almost with a look of "well, what should I DO now?". He said nothing and was expressionless for a long number of seconds. I began to feel like a kindergarten child, looking to the teacher for direction to the next activity. I finally said, in an exasperated laugh, "I.... I.... don't really know what to do now. I mean, I have only really been here a few minutes.... I...I...feel like I should stay longer." I was searching for words, searching for thoughts, that were not coming to me. In retrospect, I was perhaps trying to say, "I'm looking for answers". I was wanting something to come to me. I had done so much research. I had gathered so many experiences. If indeed this was the place where MeiMei was found, then there WERE answers here, albeit they were now separated from my sight by time. I was in the right place, now, and somehow I expected that by being here, that some answer would come to me. By the fact that I had traveled so far, that I had worked so hard, and had learned so much, that SOMEHOW.... there would be some answers that would appear out of the ether, out of the cold slight breeze that was around me.
But seconds passed, and still nothing.
10 years ago, she was here, with someone else, and with that, a connection which was the key to open up the another universe of truth. As of now, there was a stark closed door. And the door was right here, although it was not right now. I wanted to reach out and somehow feel that door, feel for some vibration, hear some footsteps, see some figures in the darkness. But they were not here, as hard as I wished them to appear before me.
I grew a bit angry at myself, for becoming this way once again. For in fact, all of our beginnings, all of our past, is steeped in mystery, even for those of us who can trace our lineage back hundreds of years. With few exceptions, most people I know can trace their family back to at most 5 generations. After that, things get pretty fuzzy. My great grandparents came to America looking for a better life. This is just about all I know about them. I recently found out that there is a relative of mine that found out quite a bit more about my great-grandparents. But I really have no great interest to explore it. It doesn't really make much difference to me, and besides, I have enough to worry about on any given week to start worrying about my ancestry.
So why does this matter now? Why can't I move my feet from this ground? Why does it pain me that I don't know answers that really don't mean that much to me anyway? It's that burning desire that we all have to know the truth. To have the answers to the unanswerable questions.
And as all these swirling thoughts are like a maelstrom in my head, I see Smile Cao looking on with a calm and impassive smile, knowing exactly what I'm struggling with, and what's running through my head now. I try to hide my torment unsuccessfully, wondering when his patience with me will wear out. But he says nothing, and I manage to say, "I....I....just would like to take a small walk".
"Of course" he says very soothingly, as he lets me stagger in the dark aimlessness of my thoughts. "How kind of him" I think to myself. How kind that he doesn't try to offer solutions or answers. That is a true guide.
I'm old and mature enough to know that I've wandered around too long now, and that I'm just wasting everyone's time. But out of either pride, or the tenacious engineer in me, I don't give up, and keep on strolling down the street. I'm on the verge of panic now, because obviously there's something I'm not doing right, or something that I haven't thought of, that is keeping the answers from coming to me.
Just then I turn, and I see JieJie behind me. She has been walking behind me the whole time, saying nothing. She's trying very hard to contain her fatique and boredom. It's been a long travel day so far. She says, in a very meek voice, "maybe we should get going to ChangDe, daddy".
Tears well up in my eyes. She knows me. And I give in to her, as she comes to my rescue as she did when she first came into my arms in a hotel in China.
I go to her and hug her and say, "yes sweetheart, you are right of course", and realize that she, like her sister, are the only answer I will ever need in this life.
I see that Smile Cao has smiled at me when I hug JieJie. It is a knowing smile, as he reaches in his pocket for the keys to the car.
It's ok to leave now.
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